DEAR DIARY — Part 9
November 18
We got back from the beach two days ago, and I have been working on school assignment ever since.
It feels strange to be back. Part of me is still at the hotel, wearing lipstick and letting Adam choose everything, but unfortunately my assignments did not disappear just because I had a perfect weekend. The real world was waiting for me as soon as we got home.
Adam has come by every night for dinner and trance, but he has been late each time. I know it is not his fault. He planned ahead before we left, but apparently even Adam cannot disappear for a long weekend without work piling up. He keeps apologizing, even though I understand.
Honestly, it has probably been good for me.
If he were here earlier, I would want to curl up with him and forget about school completely. Since he has been late, I have had no excuse not to work. So that is what I have been doing.
I wish I could just float through the rest of the semester. Go to class, wear cute outfits, see Adam at night, and not think too hard about anything else. But I still have major assignments to finish, and the annoying thing is that I know exactly what they are. They are all in the syllabus. I do not even need to wait for professors to remind me.
So I started getting ahead.
I already knocked out what I had left for one class, and I am almost done with another. It feels weirdly satisfying. Like I am clearing space for myself. If I can finish the big things now, maybe the rest of the semester will actually be easy.
All I would have to do is go to class, participate, and not fall behind.
I think I can handle that.
Especially if Adam keeps helping me stay focused.
November 21
Not a lot to report tonight.
For once, Adam did not take me out to dinner on Friday. I guess after last weekend, I cannot blame him. We stayed at a beautiful hotel, ate at fancy restaurants, went dancing, and basically acted like real life did not exist for a few days. A quiet night was probably exactly what both of us needed.
Actually, he came over to help me study.
That sounds less exciting than dinner and dancing, but it was nice. Really nice. He brought food, sat with me while I worked, and kept me from getting distracted every five minutes. I have been surprised by how focused I have been lately. I keep expecting myself to drift, or procrastinate, or stare at the same paragraph for an hour, but instead I just sit down and get things done.
Most of my class assignments are finished now, at least the ones I can do without more information from the professors. I am also in good progress with one of my theses, which still feels impossible to write. A week ago, the thought of working on them made my chest tighten. Now I can actually see that I’m progressing.
After I’ll finish them, it will just be smaller assignments, studying for tests, and final exams.
I also finally told my parents about the California plan. I said that if Adam is offered the job after his internship, I am planning to move with him. They said they were happy for me, and I think they meant it, but I could hear the disappointment underneath. Not anger, exactly. Just that quiet parental sadness when they realize I am making plans that take me farther away from them.
I did not go home for Autumn break, so they have not seen me since this summer. That means the next time they see me will probably be for Christmas. It will be good to see them, but also strange. A lot has changed since the end of the summer
For one thing, I am blonde now.
I did not mention that part yet. I do not know why. It is not like hair color is some enormous confession, but somehow it feels like one. Maybe because it is not just the hair. It is everything around it. The lipstick. The clothes. The way I stand closer to Adam now. The way I let him choose things for me. The way I feel when he tells me I look pretty.
I will tell them next time probably.
Hypnosis Experiment Log
Subject: Jessica Sandler
Date : November 26
I am happy to report that Jessica is making excellent progress on her major assignments.
The last week has been much more productive than I expected. She still has classes to attend, and there is still one thesis that needs work, but the worst of it is nearly behind her. She has finished enough that the next stretch should be manageable. There will still be final exams, of course, but those come early for graduating students, to make sure requirements are met before everyone walks across the stage.
In practical , this means Jessica is about to have more time.
That is good. School has been useful as structure, and I do not want to disrupt her graduation, but it has also limited what I can do. Every change has had to fit around assignments, class, studying, and deadlines. If she had fallen behind, it would have created stress, and stress makes her retreat into the old serious Jessica.
But if she can get ahead, then I can start using that extra time more effectively.
I am thinking exercise should be the next focus. That part of her life has been neglected for a while, which is understandable. She has had school, her thesis work, and everything else pressing down on her. She is not in bad shape. She still looks healthy, and she looks very good in the clothes I choose for her. But as I refine her into my ideal, there is always room for improvement. A more sculpted, toned physique will perfectly complement the hyper-feminine aesthetic we are building.
I have not said anything to her directly. Jessica is still sensitive about certain kinds of criticism, even if she is becoming more open to my guidance. If I tell her she should lose weight, she may hear it as rejection instead of improvement, and that would be counterproductive. The goal is not to make her ashamed of herself.
The goal is to make her want to be better for me.
I also need to be careful. Exercise and weight are delicate areas. It would be easy to push too hard, and I do not want to create something unhealthy. The last thing I want is for Jessica to develop an obsession with food, or guilt, or restriction. That would not help either of us. I want her confident, pretty, responsive, and happy.
So the suggestion needs to be framed carefully. She should enjoy moving her body. She should like the way exercise makes her feel. She should feel proud after doing something healthy. She should begin to associate being active with becoming prettier, lighter, more confident, and more desirable. If she starts from pleasure instead of shame, the habit will be much easier to sustain.
Since I cook many of her meals now, I can help there too. Nothing extreme. Just better food. More balance. Less of the random student meals she falls into when left alone. Less toast for dinner. Fewer rushed snacks grabbed between classes. Actual meals, prepared properly.
That is something I could stand to improve for myself as well. It may even be useful to make this something we do together. Walks first. Maybe light workouts. Something that seems harmless and practical. If she thinks of it as spending time with me, she will resist less. If she feels better afterward, she will start seeking that feeling on her own.
For the next sessions, I will reinforce her school focus, but begin adding the exercise suggestions underneath it. Nothing too direct yet. Just the idea that extra time should not be wasted. That taking care of herself feels good. That a pretty girl should enjoy keeping herself pretty. That looking good for me can be fun, not stressful.
Jessica has already accepted the hair, the lipstick, the clothes, and the extra effort in the mornings. Exercise is the logical next layer. If I handle it correctly, she will not feel pushed. She will simply wake up one morning, look at herself, and decide she wants to improve.
November 30
So I decided to start exercising again.
I have done it off and on for the last couple of years, but never seriously. Usually it was because a friend wanted someone to go with her, or because I got briefly motivated after buying cute workout clothes, or because I felt guilty after too many late-night snacks during finals. It never lasted.
But this time feels different. I went to the campus fitness center yesterday and tried a few of the machines. I felt awkward at first, like everyone could tell I did not really know what I was doing, but after a while it was not so bad. Then I ended up talking to one of the gym staff, Kyle. He plays football, but he said he knows he is not going to the NFL, so he is planning to become a personal trainer after graduation.
He offered to train me for free which is obviously a huge plus. I was nervous today because I thought he was going to destroy me on the first session and leave me too sore to walk. But he was actually really nice about it. I am sure I will feel it tomorrow, but it was not nearly as awful as I expected. He said he wants to build me up gradually, which sounds much better than whatever nightmare version of exercise I had imagined.
Adam came over tonight and cooked dinner. He actually beat me to my apartment because I was still finishing my workout. When I got home, I was sweaty and gross and embarrassed for about two seconds, but he just looked pleased. After I showered, we had dinner together, and it was wonderful.
I am beginning to wonder if this sudden interest in exercise came from Adam. It would not exactly surprise me. I know how these things work now, or at least I know enough to notice the pattern. A thought appears in my head. It feels natural. Then later I realize it sounds suspiciously like something Adam would want for me.
The weird part is that I do not really mind. I could stand to get in better shape. I am still relatively thin, but I know I have softened over the last couple of years. Too much sitting, too much studying, too much eating whatever was easiest. It is not terrible, but I notice it. And if we really do move to California, I want to look amazing in a bikini.
After dinner, Adam put me under like he does every night. I am starting to worry about how much I need those sessions. They calm me down so completely. When he is there, and his voice starts getting soft, everything inside me just loosens. I feel safe. I feel taken care of. I feel like I can stop trying so hard.
What happens when he has to make his next trip to California?
I know he will have to go. There are things to arrange for his internship, and his uncle can only help so much from there. But I do not like thinking about missing our nights together. I do not like thinking about going to bed without that warm, floaty feeling.
I think I might be getting addicted to hypnosis. I should get to bed. I have an early class in the morning.
Good night.
December 3
Kyle is a nice guy.
I was a little nervous about having a personal trainer at first, especially one who looks like he actually belongs in a gym instead of just wandering into one by accident like me. But he has been really helpful. He explains things without making me feel stupid, and he pushes me just enough that I feel like I am improving without making me want to collapse on the floor and never move again.
I did have to mention Adam, though. Not in a dramatic way. Kyle did not ask me out or anything. He just made a ing comment that could have become flirtatious if I let it go there, so I casually mentioned that I had plans with my boyfriend. He took it completely in stride, which was nice. No awkwardness.
Still, I am glad I said it. I am a one-man woman.
Working out every day is strange. I am both loving it and dreading it. Before I go, I have to force myself a little, because I know Kyle is going to make me sweat and my muscles are going to burn. Right afterward, I feel completely drained. Like I could lie down on the locker room floor and sleep for a year.
But then, later, my energy comes back even stronger. The rest of the day, I feel more awake. Lighter somehow. More aware of my body in a good way. I keep catching myself standing straighter, checking my reflection, wondering if I can already see a difference even though I know it has only been a few days.
I cannot really complain.
The only problem is that after a workout, I am useless until Adam comes over. I just want to veg out on the couch and do nothing. Then he arrives, cooks dinner, puts me under, and somehow I feel restored. Like he resets me. After trance, I feel warm and calm and ready to exist again.
Thank God he has been coming over every night. He has also been cooking healthier meals for us, which helps. I know I would probably ruin all of Kyle’s work if I were left alone with cereal, toast, and whatever snacks I could find in my cabinets. Adam makes real good, healthy food. And it makes me feel like he is behind me in this, like he wants me to succeed.
I like that. Actually, I have decided that once school is done, I should learn how to cook.
Not just barely cook. Really cook. At least enough to make dinner for Adam sometimes. He does so much for me, and I think it would be nice to take care of him too. I like the idea of him coming home and finding me in the kitchen, making something healthy and good for us.