Carry On Plapping
By Sissy Pip
Chapter 3 — The Reliable Old Hands
Surely the Carry On film franchise of repressed English sexual innuendo has had its day. Unless BNWO Studios can reinvent it for the modern world?
Chapter preamble—
Lots of readers have asked me for a new BNWO story series, so here it is! Hope you enjoy. I love to chat with readers, and share story ideas. Please stop by and say hello, on email—philcole89@yahoo.co.uk—or on Discord—sissypip1958
“And action”.
The scene is set like the living room of a London Eastend terrace house. Three actors in various armchairs around a small low coffee table with a pot of tea and mugs on it.
The oldest, with a cloth cap and fag end hanging out of his mouth, has his face buried in a tabloid newspaper. One camera focuses on the front page with the big headline ‘Minister set to approve miracle male fertility pill’ above two related sub headlines, ‘Hope for young white men at last’ and ‘White baby births plumet to new low”. A second, smaller story at the bottom of the front page is headlined, ‘African refugee numbers increase again’.
“You sure about this boss?” asks ‘Thug 1’, an unnamed extra in the script for this scene only, dressed in a leather jacket with a nasty looking make-up scar on his cheek. “Wouldn’t another armed robbery on a wages van be easier? It’s what we know.”
“Nah, this is what your business entrepreneur would call a crime of opportunity. Brains before bullets for a change. And anyway, there’s too much heat from the Old Bill on armed robberies right now to risk another” replies the older actor from behind his newspaper. He sighs, folding the paper away on the table, so that he can tap his finger on the front-page headline. “Look here. Right now, young men are desperate. People are paying £1,000 on the black market for fake copies of the Prof’s miracle cure, just to try and get a young lady to give them a second look.”
“Our Jenny’s dating that big West African chap from down Thorpe Street” interjected the third youngest actor, dress in an effeminate tank top. “Quite son, and a fine chap he is too” continued his father, “very handy with a sawn-off shotgun as it happens. But that’s my point. Ever since this white male fertility plague, young women have had to look elsewhere. That’s why volunteering at refugee centres has become so popular. But in a six months’ time, once the medical trails are over, and the Government are handing out these miracle pills like smarties, even Junior here will be able to knock out the kids like no tomorrow.”
“Ewe, Dad, do I have to” squirmed his embarrassed son. “I’ve already told you. I don’t want to start a family, or even go into the family business for that matter. I just want to act in the theatre.”
“But right now” his Dad continued, ignoring the interruption. “Right now, we have what businessmen call a market opportunity to make a killing. And that opportunity is sitting there in Finisham Hospital, no guards, barely even a locked door, just waiting for someone to take advantage. Someone exactly like us. For the next few months, those pills are worth far more than any wages van. Once word get out that we’ve got the real deal, we will be able to name our price from those desperate young bucks looking to be able to sow their newly restored wild oats among the pick of the young ladies before everyone else.”
“I tell you. This is our big one. A soft target. An easy in and out job. And we will all be set for life. We just need someone in the hospital to get the intel on where they are keeping those miracle pills” the gang boss concluded.
“An inside man” said Thug 1. “Well, yes, something like that” said the boss with an evil chuckle. “Now, you pop upstairs son, and see you Mum, she’s going to help you get into character. You’re about to get your first big acting break.”
“Ewe, Dad, do I have to” the youngest actor whined again, as the older actor gave a full-on dirty laugh, worthy of the original Carry On star, Sid James, to close the scene.
Both the older and younger actors in the scene will be familiar faces to the cinema audience when the film is released.
James Aukland, a well-known comedy actor in his 40s, was the prefect choice for Assistant Producer, Babs Fawcett, to play the gangster boss, Sid Premie. Filling the shoes which would have naturally been played by Sid James in the heyday of Carry On.
Alongside him, playing his son, Arthur Premie, is Philip Stacker, only in his 20s, but already a veteran of comedy theatre.
The pair were developing a bit of a reputation as a natural comedy double act, having recently starred together in a couple of popular comedy films in quick succession. So, it had been a no brainier for Babs to sign them up for this new Carry On movie. Two reliable old hands she could count on.
The next scene cuts to the same two actors sat in a small, parked car, filmed on a studio set, but made to look like they are parked outside Finisham Hospital.
“Ewe, Dad, do I have to” Arthur whined his catch phrase again, dressed now in a nurses uniform, but made-up all too obviously as a crossdressing man who wouldn’t fool anyone in real life.
Sid Premie just gives another of his own trademark dirty laughs. “You always said you wanted to go into acting son, well now’s your chance, Here’s your papers. I’ve got you in as a trainee nurse on the Prof’s Male Fertility Ward to help with their new patients. All you have to do is find out where they are storing the miracle pills, and I’ll swoop in a relieve them of the lot.”
“Now off you pop, Nurse Premie” he adds, slapping his son’s skirted ass as he awkwardly gets out of the little car, and giving another dirty laugh.
Which cuts to ‘Nurse Arthur’ walking into the hospital foyer, tottering uncertainly in his heels.
“Can I help you miss?” asks the uniformed and capped hospital receptionist, apparently oblivious to the obviously cross-dressed man standing in front of him.
“Yes” Aurther says in his usual deep voice, before quickly adding, “Er… I mean… yes” in a comically higher pitch, but equally unconvincing, woman’s tone. “I’m Nurse Premie, a new trainee. I think you are expecting me?”
“Let me see” replies the receptionist, running his finger down a clipboard. “Ah yes. Trainee Nurse Premie. You’re sharing a room in the nurses’ accommodation block with Nurse Juggs. She works on the same Ward you’ll be on, so she can show you the ropes.”
“Sharing?” stammers Arthur in a sudden panic. “No one said anything about sharing. I mean. I can’t.”
“Don’t worry” laughs the receptionist, “Nurse Juggs doesn’t bite, not unless you ask her to. All our trainees share with a senior mentor nurse, we wouldn’t have enough accommodation otherwise. Follow me then, I’ll show you the way.”
The next scene has Arthur poking his head cautiously around the door into the nurses flat.
“Er… hello?” Nurse Premie calls out weekly, hoping Nurse Juggs is out. Relived at getting no reply, he walks into the little two bed apartment, only to freeze on hearing running water and humming coming from the bathroom. Through the half open bathroom door, the outline of a naked Nurse Juggs can be seen in the shower, steam obscuring all the naughty bits in classic Carry On style.
“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you until later” the bubbly, giggly voice of Nurse Juggs calls out, stepping from the shower. “Could you throw me a towel Hun?” Which Arthur obliges, while trying desperately to avert his gaze, and the audience, just maybe, gets a micro second glimpse of Julie Juggs cleavage, as she catches the towel.
“Hello, I’m Nurse Juggs, but you can call me Julie when we’re not on the Ward” she giggles, stepping into the corridor wearing only the towel, leaving nothing to the imagination about her huge tits. “Arthur, I mean Trainee Nurse Premie” he replies, his eyes on stalks staring at the pneumatic goddess standing before him, an all too obvious boner suddenly tenting his nurses’ skirt. “I love you” blurts out the besotted crossdresser. “Er… I mean… that is… I love your… er… hair… yes your hair!” he recovers, before something even more inappropriate escapes his tongue-tied mouth.
Nurse Juggs just giggles more, and ignoring the boner between them, says “I can see you and I are going to have so much fun together. Two hot nurses looking for a good time. And you don’t have to worry about all those limp white bois here, the hospital has loads of hung Black staff. I’ll get you hooked up in no time. But for this evening, why don’t you get settled in, this one’s your room” continued the ever-bubbly bimbo nurse. “I’ve just got to pop out to do the pill run for Matron, then we can start officially tomorrow when the Prof does his rounds with our new patients.”
“You mean the V-X1 pills, the Professor’s miracle cure?” asks the lust-sick Arther, suddenly ing why he was meant to be there. Julie nods as she leaves the apartment, leaving Nurse Premie free to dash into the bathroom to take care of his boner while the image of Nurse Juggs towel covered assets are still clearly outlined in his mind.
A scene already filmed earlier will be cut in here.
Nurse Juggs in a small store cupboard, pill boxes on her left labelled ‘V-X1’ in large letters. On the nurse’s right another set of identical boxes, with small faint printing on them that says ‘Warning, extremely high-grade estrogen with additional hallucinogens’. Humming happily to herself as she works, Nurse Juggs takes more of the large ‘V-X1’ labels from a draw and sticks them over the faint printing on some of the right-hand boxes, before moving them onto the left-hand pile ready for use.
Before she leaves and locks up the little storeroom, Nurse Juggs slips a small blister pack of the pills into her pocket.
Today’s filming resumes again on a set of the kitchen in the two nurses little shared apartment, with toast and butter on the drop-leaf formica table, along with a morning newspaper. Nurse Premie is sat at the table eating a slice of toast, while Nurse Juggs is at the kitchen counter making two mugs of tea.
Unseen, except by the camera, Julie takes the blister pack from her pocket and pops a pill into one of the steaming mugs. She pauses, as if thinking for a moment, shrugs, then quickly pops two more pills into the brown liquid with a giggle, and gives it a quick stir. Turning around towards Nurse Premie, she says “Here you go babes, a nice cup of tea to start your first day at Finishams. Now, drink up quick, we’ve got the Prof’s ward rounds of the new test patients, with Matron, in half an hour.”
Still to be filmed later, long substantive scenes on the main Ward set featuring those new patients will be edited in here, as Nurse Juggs guides an increasingly intoxicated Nurse Premie through the Professor and Matron’s ward rounds.
But for now, with Philp Stacker still in full crossdresser make-up as Nurse Premie, the filming action jumps narratively to the end of the morning’s ward rounds.
“I see Nurse Juggs has settled you in perhaps a little too well” the imposing Amazonian figure of Matron, played by Black shemale dominatrix Valeria, says to Nurse Premie as the ward rounds finish. Which merely elicits a little Nurse Juggs style giggle from the overdosed crossdressed nurse. “Come to my office and we’ll complete your induction right now I think” continues Matron.
The action moves to the corridor outside Matron’s office, where a frosted glass door, with ‘Matron’ on it in large black letters, is next to the locked door of the little pill storeroom where, unknown to Arthur, the V-X1 is being kept.
“Don’t worry Trainee Nurse Premie” Matron is saying, “we’ll have you just like Nurse Juggs in no time at all. After all, everyone has a first time, but we are very strict with our training here at Finisham. I’m sure you’ll be able to take it all in and handle a full load.” The actors’ step into Matron’s office and the scene cuts to that set.
“You know, we’ve got more in common than you might think” Matron continues inside her office, sliding her hand knowingly across the front of Nurse Premie’s skirt, her own skirt now also bulging as her Black shemale cock becomes erect.
Still intoxicated by the overdose of V-X1 in his tea, Arthur merely moans pathetically, and Matron pushes him down over her desk, reaching to lift the crossdresser’s skirt. “Yes, a through staff induction is so important I think” Matron says to the hapless prone sissy boi. “The Professor will expect you to be able to handle his equipment correctly. To be prepared for every sticky situation.”
“And cut!” shouts Director & Producer, Bill Master, ending the day’s filming, and leaving the inuendo to the audience’s imagination, as Matron’s office door swings shut to end the scene.
With the film’s production now in full swing, the Wimbledon trailer park area of BNWO Studios was as buzzing in the evenings as its film sets were during the day.
Giggling little groups of young white sluts hanging around the Studio gates would be unofficially ushered in by the Black film crew to party, while most of the other trailers were now occupied by actors reviewing their lines for tomorrow’s takes.
After each day’s filing, Assistant Producer, and soon to be a MILF Carry On actress herself, Babs Fawcett, would stride through the busy trailer lot to Bill Master’s big trailer come office. She would bring the film’s Director & Producer that day’s rushes for him to review, while she thoroughly checked over all of tomorrow’s script.
Master had been right when he had told her that working under him as Assistant Producer would be hard but rewarding. His Big Black Cock was certainly hard every day she checked the script, but most rewarding when it delivered the perfect sticky climax she was looking for in the storyline.
Amidist all the buzz, James Ackland’s trailer was a quite oasis of calm. The reliable old hand was the polar opposite of thespian letch Ken McBain. A genuine nice guy, always happy to help others, and use his fame to good causes.
He was sat with a nice cup of tea, reading the Sporting Post, gambling on the horses being his only real vice, one which ensured he was a bit of an acting workaholic to fund his addiction, when there was a knock on the trailer door.
“Come in” he shouted amiably, as Valeria stepped into his trailer. The imposing Black Shemale was easily several inches taller than James, taller than everyone in fact, but here her tone and demeanour were soft and respectful. “I was wondering if I might get some help and advice Mr Ackland” she asked. “Please, please, call me James” he replied. “How can I help?”
“Well, as you know, this movie is a big deal, a big break for some of us from the Orpington side of the Studio with a less orthodox film background than an experienced actor like yourself” Valeria explained, “and frankly I don’t want to mess it up! I was hoping you might be able to give me some tips, and maybe even help rehearse our big scene coming up at the end of the movie?”
“Of course my dear, happy to help rehearse as much as you want” James replied, his usual helpful self. “Oh, that would be such a relief” Valeria said relaxing and smiling gratefully, handing the actor one of the Studio’s funny little flickering script screens. “I didn’t want you to feel I was taking advantage of you” the Black shemale added.
“Nonsense my dear, you take as much advantage of me as you want” said the amiable older actor, which made Valeria smile again, but this time looking more like a shark eyeing its next meal.
“To be honest I don’t really know where to start” Valeria told James. “Normally my Orpington scenes are just very… functional, so for this, I don’t know whether I should act it out on demand, or try method acting and stay in character the whole time.”
“Well, why don’t we try both and see what works best for you” James suggested reassuringly. “After all, we’ve got plenty of evenings before we shoot that scene. Plenty of time to get it perfectly right.”
Valeria smiled that predatory smile again as James started studying the little flickering screen.
Philip Stacker’s trailer, the younger half of the film’s pair of reliable old acting hands, was also an oasis of calm. The two actors were very similar in outlook and attitude, which was one of the reasons they got on so well despite the age difference.
Glad to be finally out of his crossdressing outfit and make-up after a long day, Philip was sat supping a small bottle of beer as he read over his lines for tomorrow on one of the Studio’s funny little handheld screens.
Naturally, most of his scenes were with Julie Juggs, his character, the hapless effeminate Arthur Premie, falling head over heels for Nurse Juggs, despite having to pretend to be a woman himself, leading to all sorts of classic Carry On lesbian innuendoes and comedy misunderstandings.
The more Philip read over his lines, the more the horny young actor felt as if life was imitating art. The more he, like Arthur, couldn’t stop thinking about the pneumatic pornstar Julie Juggs. About how prefect she would be as his girlfriend, walking down the film’s red carpet together arm in arm. The tabloid newspaper celebrity gossip columns wouldn’t be able to get enough of them. Together they would be the new Posh & Becks, taking them to whole new stratospheric levels of stardom. Plus, the sex would be fantastic!
His mind was made up. James hurried over to Julie’s trailer to ask her out. “Fancy dinner for two in town tonight?” he asked, sticking his head into her trailer. “Of course babes” the bimbo goddess giggled knowingly, “I was waiting for you to ask me out.” An encouraging response that made Philip’s heart flutter with horny joy and excitement.
They each got several jealous glances of recognition from other dinners in the restaurant, despite the studio driver dropping them in Soho, where celebrities were often two a penny. It was as if Philip couldn’t hold it in, excitedly spilling out his real-life feelings for her, and how together, they could be an internationally famous celebrity couple. At the end of their meal, Julie simply lent across the table and kissed him. They snogged a bit more in the studio limo on the way back and agreed on diner again the next night. But wanting to at least appear to be a gentleman about it, James went back to his own trailer, which took every ounce of his willpower.
The next night there was a lone paparazzi waiting outside the restaurant to get an exclusive photo of the new couple. Philip was expecting it, having tipped off the celebrity snapper himself, but not before having let Barbara Fawcett know what was going on. She agreed that it would be excellent publicity for the new film. By the third night, there was a media scrum of photographers, some scrambling to catch up on last night’s missed exclusive, others whipped up by Barbara Fawcett’s film marketing team. It seemed the new Posh & Becks had landed, and with the added spice of Julie’s porn background, newspaper editors were rubbing their hands will glee at the sales.
On the second night, Philip’s willpower had dissolved into a foggy head of lust. They tumbled into the bed in Julie’s trailer, and he was worried about creaming his pants, as his hands finally got to run over her incredible naked bimbo body, phat ass and massive tits. Just as they were building up to fuck, Julie suddenly stopped and looked at him sternly. “If I’m going to be your girlfriend, I have two conditions you must agree to first” she told him. “One, I’m not going to give up the day job, the porn. So you have to be ok with that. And two, I’m built to goddess proportions, so our love making will probably have to adjust to that.”
Not quite sure what she meant be the second condition, Philip agreed readily anyway. Certainly, the first condition wasn’t a problem, he had been surprised to discover he felt that way the night before. Feeling so horny back in his trailer after their first date, Philip had watched one of her porn videos to jack off. He’d watched Jason’s Big Black Cock fucking Julie, thrusting in and out of his moaning girlfriend, and had found it unexpectedly arousing, something he surprisingly was happy to see more of in fact.
Having readily agreed, the second condition, the possibly adjustments required, quickly became clear as they prepared to fuck. Not so much an adjustment as a physical necessity really. Julie had an outstanding bimbo phat ass. On the video he’d watched, Jason’s huge Big Black Cock had had no problem slamming in and out, and although Philip didn’t think of himself as small in the cock department, it was immediately clear he didn’t measure up.
“I can feel the tip, push it in a bit more” Julie encouraged as he tried to enter her doggy style. But Philip just couldn’t get any further in against that white ass barrier. “Don’t worry babes, I have an idea for tomorrow that might help” Julie told him eventually, giving him a tit wank instead. Cumming on her body felt glorious of course, but it also wasn’t lost on Philip that in the video that Big Black Cock had thrust up and out between her huge hooters cum spurting like a fountain out of the top. His smaller white cock was buried out of sight inside her huge cleavage as Julie waked him off, only revealing the sticky mess he had left between her breasts when her hands stopped holding her tits together.
“I have a present for you” Julie told him on the third night, with a mischievous horny grin. “I asked the boys in props if they could adapt one of those dildos they are making for the film’s final scene” she explained, handing Philip a modified Big Black Strap-on.
Instead of a regular dildo, the end had been hollowed out to create a high-quality penis sleave. Philip’s cock was so erect and engorged by the sight of Julie’s prefect naked bimbo body, that when she wrapped the penis sleave over it, his cock gripped it firmly giving him the extra girth and length he needed to fuck Julie hard.
It was amazing to finally be able to fuck his girlfriend properly, watching his black dildo penis sleave extension thrust in and out of her pink pussy, giving her the pleasure she craved, just like one of the real Black studs in her porno shoots.
The sleave had another advantage too. Being an experienced pornstar, Julie liked to fuck for hours before cumming herself. Philip knew he would never be able to last that long inside her to give her the satisfaction she deserved. But the vastly reduced sensation his cock felt using the penis sleave enabled him to fuck her almost indefinitely. She came, twice, before he finally spurted his load inside the sleave, and his now spent, flaccid cock, along with the lube like effect of his cum inside the sleave, meant it would no longer stay on tightly enough to fuck her any further.
After that, the next ten days of filming seemed to rush by in a horny blur. Philip would spend the day made-up as Nurse Premie, confessing his love for Nurse Juggs on set, either creating comedy lesbian confusion, or nearly giving himself away as actually a man in drag. In the evenings, the actor would quickly review his lines for the next day, then head to Julie’s trailer to spend the night confessing his love for her, and fucking her with the Big Black penis sleave.
It was at some point towards the end of those bliss filled, mindless ten days, Philip couldn’t quite exactly, when his perfect bimbo girlfriend told him she wanted to spice their relationship up with a bit of role reversal. By now, Philip was so deeply hypnotised by the little flickering script screen that he would obediently do anything for his goddess. So when Julie wore the Big Black Strap-on herself, and bent him over to get fucked by her, he submissively learned to take it in his sissy pussy, happy just to please her as any good boyfriend should.
Julie Juggs giggled as she fucked her new sissy boyfriend’s ass with the Big Black Stap-on dildo, her massive fake tits bouncing with each hard thrust, taking full control of the submissive boi slut. “Perhaps they should call this new film ‘Carry On Pegging’ Philip” she laughed as she fucked him.