Just a Little Bit of Pride
Chapter 2 — NO, I am NOT a Lesbian, Right?
“Silly,” Trixie giggled. “Cougars are nothing like Mike, Cougars my best friend, are women. Attractive, mature, experienced, confident women.”
“No!” I gasped, recoiling in horror. “That’s not what I meant at all. I’m not a lesbian!!! That’s disgusting!! How could you even think such a vile thing about me!!?”
A hard look of something angry flashed over Trixie’s face for a moment. “You’re so sure about that are you? Tell me, best friend, who was it that told you that, was it Mike? Yes, I had to be. Not only did he bring you into a loveless marriage, make you his personal cum dump, take your name and your friends and so much of who you are, he took this too didn’t he. Tell me I’m right.”
Trixie’s anger caught me off guard. Didn’t she know that being a queer was wrong? Didn’t she know they were monsters pretending to be people who were intent on grooming all of our young, poisoning our water with gay chemicals, using airliners to spray gay stuff into the air? They hated America, they hated morality, virtue, all that was good. They were, each and every one of them, an abomination before God. We were here to stop them, it was our mission, wasn’t it?
But … who told me all of that, who taught me that was true.
Well, there were the news programs Mike made me watch, the meetings Mike made us go to, the entertainment Mike allowed me to see, the books he allowed me to read. But … he couldn’t be the only one.
No, there were others, my Dad, other people in our group. We’d yelled at those walking by, called them all vile words, we’d been as hurtful as possible. Mike had been one, but not the only one. Most had been men though, it was a man’s duty to lead the woman. Women had the original sin of Eve, they were tainted and so men had to …
Control us …
And now here was Trixie, my very best friend, someone I trusted more than anyone in my life, and she was suggesting, what was she suggesting?
Was she wrong? Was she a lesbian herself? Was she a vile abomination?
I looked at her again, rainbow hair, her cute little nose ring. If she wasn’t one, she was sure making it look like she was.
But she’s my closest friend. Look how much she’s helped me, just today. She’s not vile, she’s not an abomination. She’s a person who knows me better than I know myself, and all she’s been is caring and ive of me. How can that be a bad thing?
I looked around, at my friends, jeering at the women and men walking by. I could see the anger on some of their faces of those receiving those epitaphs, but in so many others, only pain and sorrow as our words reach their ears. I thought back, over the years, to all those others we had taunted, weddings we had ruined, even funerals we had jeered at, jeered at those in pain who had just lost someone they loved.
What kind of virtue was that? What was moral about that? What part of the good book told us to hurt one another, what part told us to cause pain and suffering. How could we be right and virtuous when we were the ones hurting others, hurting them.
I looked over at Trixie, my best friend. If she was a lesbian, did it make her any less of a person, any less of a person I was supposed to love?
I reached out to her, wrapped my friend in my arms. “I’m so sorry, Trixie. I don’t want to hurt you. You’re my best friend and I love you, but I’m not a lesbian.”
Trixie hugged me, took a step back, looked at me as if deciding something. “You do have a heart then, thanks, I … wasn’t sure. Why don’t we make this end well for you, Tiffany.”
“I’d like that,” I replied holding her hand. “But I’m not looking for a woman, a nice kind mature man will do just fine.”
“You sure?” she said with a kinder smile. “Cougars are amazing, they know just how to take care of a young kitten like you. All that experience, all that ion. It’s flattering to have an older woman look at you, deciding you are worth her time, wanting to make that investment in time to teach you everything they know. It’s flattering, don’t you think?”
“Well, I’ve never thought about it,” I replied thoughtfully. “I guess it would be, I mean women do ire other women, so I guess … yes, it’s flattering.”
“So, what do you like most about older women, what about Cougars would appeal to you,” she asked.
“Well,” I said, thinking carefully, not wanting to anger my friend again. “I guess, it’s that confident look in their eyes, like they’ve been there, and done that. Things don’t catch them off guard the way they might a younger woman. They tend to be more grounded, stable.”
“I can see the appeal,” Trixie said thoughtfully. “Anything else you find particularly attractive?”
“Well, they tend to be more well established, know where they are going, what they want.” I replied. “If I were interested in a mature woman, those would have a lot of appeal.”
“And if one of those mature, grounded, experienced, established women were interested in you, would that feel amazing? Someone with all that experience who has been there done that, seen everything, seeing something special in you, maybe something they’ve never seen before? That has to be flattering?” Trixie pressed.
I gasp slightly as I listened to Trixie, seeing what she was talking about. Despite myself, I found myself agreeing with her. Someone like that, someone confident who had seen it all, probably had legions of friends, even lovers, looking at you and seeing something new, something they wanted.
No wonder Trixie thought I was into cougars. A woman like that could just melt a girl like me … I mean … I mean … if I were … you know, attracted to women.
“I’m wondering,” said Trixie with a thoughtful expression. “How would it be different, being in a relationship with a woman instead of a man. Tell me what you think, you aren’t revolted by the idea anymore are you?”
Surprisingly, Trixie was right. The more I thought about it, it didn’t make much sense to feel revolted at the idea anymore. I didn’t have to be a lesbian to understand other people felt differently than I did. It made me wonder why I had ever felt differently.
Maybe Mike did have something to do with it. Maybe the men that think they ran our organization, ran all of us women, maybe they couldn’t control others not like them and they just couldn’t bear the thought.
“No, no I’m not revolted Trixie, I … was being … I was wrong before. I guess though, it’s a lot more fulfilling just to be a friend with a woman that being in a relationship with Mike or any of the other guys I’ve been with. If they are anything like you, they would be ive, caring, you know, emotionally connected. Dedicated like you, I think, even without the whole sex thing, being in a relationship with a woman would be more fulfilling than any relationship I’ve been in so far.”
“So, on that level, being in a committed relationship with a woman, that has appeal to you doesn’t it,” Trixie replied.
“Yes,” I itted thoughtfully. “But I’m not a lesbian, as nice as that sounds, there’s a reason you nicknamed me Prudence. I don’t have to be immoral, but I think I’d want a fulfilling intimate relationship.”
“Love, ion, the joy of feeling the joy of that intimacy, looking at your partner, seeing that you’ve given that to them too,” Trixie said earnestly. “More than sex, right?”
“Yeah, just that, more than sex,” I said wistfully. “I’ve never had that, never. I mean, I’ve had sex, but not that.”
“We need to change that,” she replied firmly.
“Yes,” I replied emphatically.
“What would you do to find that, Tiff?” she asked with a smile.
“Anything, Trix, I’d do anything to find that,” I responded.
“So, your previous boyfriends, did you ever feel that spark, that connection?” Trixie asked.
I thought for a moment, trying to find a moment. I mean, I’d had lots of guys in my bed, but had it ever felt that connection I found I really craved?
“No, no I don’t suppose I have. But they were all younger, I think an older man would be different,” I replied with a wistful tone, trying to find a particular mature man from my memory that had elicited that in me. But the more I thought about it, the harder it was to identify any specific individual that seemed much different from Mike, and I definitely didn’t want that.
“Actually,” I said looking over at the men in my group, screaming obscenities at the men and women walking by, men that might have been mature, but why were all of them, the men I’d thought of as my friends, so cruel and hateful. “I don’t think any of them have done that. I don’t know, I don’t think screaming at people is … well, all that attractive to me.”
“Ok, so the younger guys don’t do it for you, and you really haven’t found an older guy who has either,” she said. “God Prudence, how many guys have you been with and none of them have done it for you? Have any of them even made you orgasm, not the little squeal kind, but the toes curly soulmate kind you are looking for.”
“Of course I have,” I responded. “You and the girls named me Prudence, right? You saw what a complete slut I was, why would I do that if they weren’t making me come out of my mind?”
“I don’t know, maybe you were just searching, searching for someone that could. Maybe you thought if you slept with enough guys, you’d eventually find one that could do it for you. You just said you’d do anything for that, maybe that was part of anything,” she said with a sad tone.
“No … no that’s not true … I love how a guy feels inside me,” I said with a faint quaver in my voice.
“Really? Didn’t you say that Mike never made you cum and you’ve been married to him for a couple years now. How about Tod, or Jim, or Keith, of Jack, did any of them even know what the hell to do with you, except stick their thing inside you, ram into you a couple of times, shoot their load into you, they roll over and go to sleep, leaving you to try and finish yourself off? You know I’m telling you the truth here,” she said directly.
I thought back, guy after guy, boy after boy, from Mike to college into high school, guy after guy after guy after guy and as I did, what I’d thought of as mind blowing sex, became clumsy fumbling encounters, guys satisfying themselves quickly and meaninglessly. Even the professors had the stamina of a deflated balloon and no idea of how to please a woman.
And then there was me, searching, searching for something I could never seem to find.
“I mean, honestly Prudence, how many times do you have to bring yourself off each day, just to keep from exploding, four? No that’s not enough, right, more like ten, right? You know I’m right,” she said.
She was. It all came crashing down on me. All the useless encounters, never feeling that kind of pleasure unless I was alone with just my fingers to comfort me. I’d never cum, not really, even when I would bring myself off, yeah, about the ten times a day or more, it was never enough, because I had never found someone to share that intimate, joyful, with.
“You’re right, Trixie,” I said tears flooding my eyes as all that wasted, unfulfilling time washed over my thoughts, my memories. “I’m so tired of … of being alone. I want someone to share that with, I … rub myself almost raw every day but, it’s not enough, it’s not enough!!!”
“I know it’s not enough girlfriend,” she responded comfortingly. “You need someone to share that totally uninhibitedly nymphomaniac sex drive of yours, and it’s never happened. Has it?”
“No,’ I said openly weeping now. “I didn’t realize it, but no, nobody has ever satisfied me, ever known what to do with me, even cared enough to find out. I need someone fucking me all the time, someone that knows what I need, knows how to take care of me, knows how to make love to me the way I deserve. And what do I get, I get Mike who, what, once a week, if I was lucky, stuck that tiny dick of his in me, took two fucking thrusts and then dribbled away? I fucking need better than that!!”
“Ah,” said Trixie, giving me a quick hug. “That’s the Prudence we all knew and loved. You know, half the girls there wanted to fuck you, I mean Deloris did everything but show up in your bed naked to get you to pay attention to her.”
“She did?” I said surprised, the image of the prim and proper Hispanic girl forming in my mind, but behind it, that smoldering fire of desire that I could now , burning behind her eyes. I just hadn’t really paid attention.
“How does that make you feel, be honest,” Trixie asked.
“I, don’t know, I … I’ve always thought it was wrong,” I said.
“So was sleeping with half male faculty, the Deans, and the entire football, team. Did you feel wrong about that?” Trixie asked.
“No, no I didn’t, I should have and I’ve … I’ve tried to control myself since, but no, back then, I just couldn’t help myself,” I replied. “I just didn’t think of girls that way.”
“But if you had, Prudence, would it being ‘wrong’, have stopped a slut like you from diving into the realm of pussy?” she asked with a playful smile.
There was something wrong about that. I … I was virtuous, not a slut, but as I looked back, there was no denying, I certainly had been slut, God had I been a slut, back then at least … “
“I … I guess not, but I didn’t notice girls like that,” I said firmly.
“Didn’t notice, or didn’t do anything about it,” Trixie replied meaningfully. “ and tell me the truth.”
I thought back, all the girls, a lot of them hot and tight bodied like me, but lots of other cuties and even the plain ones. I mean, I was a girl who turned heads, and other girls were always scoping out the competition. Nothing unusual about that, but now that I thought of it, I ed stares that had lingered just a bit too long, a sisterly hug that ended up not entirely sisterly, girls striking up a conversation that I hadn’t thought anything of, but now, thinking back, seeing that those girls might have been angling for something more.
“Didn’t do anything about it I guess,” I replied.
“So, when another girl scoped you out and found you hot, when they got that look in their eyes letting you see that they wanted you, how did that make you feel? Trixie asked. “Come on, we’re best friends, you can tell me anything, did you feel flustered, flattered, even a little interested yourself?”
“Flattered mostly I guess,” I responded thinking about how it felt. “It was … different than being leered at by a guy.”
“How so,” Trixie replied.
“Well, when a woman looks at you, it feels more honest, like they are appreciating more of you than your tits and ass,” I replied thoughtfully. “And, you know, those that were willing to put a little more into that look, well, people don’t always react well to people knowing they’re gay. It’s kind of a risk for them. To be appreciated by someone willing to take that risk for you, it’s kind of hard not to feel a little special.
“I mean, look around us,” I said as my friends hurled invective after vile invective at the gays, lesbians and others walking by. “Who needs to expose themselves to this, just on the chance I might look back.”
“Yes, I can see your point,” Trixie said, a triumphant little smile appearing on her face. “It is flattering having a woman pay attention to you. Do you ever look back, I mean, do you find women beautiful, objectively speaking of course.”
“Well, objectively speaking, of course. Every woman has her own special beauty I guess,” I replied.
“So, you find all different shapes, sizes, colors and types of women beautiful in their own special way,” Trixie said.
I thought about it for a moment, ing all the different women I had met, all sorts of backgrounds, attitudes, looks, personalities. It was hard to think of one that didn’t have something beautiful about them. And the more mature professors, other women that had it so totally together in their lives, they were the most attractive of them all. I could trying to get to know them, learn from them, study them, they were simply fascinating.
“Yeah,” I said. “I guess so.”
“So, how about men, do you find anything attractive about them, any qualities in the men in your life that you are particularly attracted to?” she asked. “I mean, anything?”
I thought for a moment, then looked at the men in our group, yelling and spitting at people who were offering no offense to anyone, other than the fact they existed. No, nothing there. I looked back at college, high school. Not really, all of them had just been willing to take advantage of my sexual motor, my inability to be satisfied in any of those shallow relationships to use me as, what Trixie had said? A cumdump? Anything attractive there?
I mean, I was sure there were men out there that were different, good people who cared about and loved others. Probably some of the God knows how many guys I’d fucked had grown into one, but that was kind of a theoretical what if. Not something I’d actually experienced.
“No,” I said as a touch of fear inched its way into my heart, realizing what I had thought of a desirable quality in the men I had been involved in, hadn’t been. The virtuous men who told us to obey them and purported to be there to guide us, who told us that we were supposed to love one another, those “strong virtuous men” were being anything but. The weren’t sewing love, they were sewing hate, hate for the men and women around them …
Hate for my amazing best friend, Trixie!!
“No,” I said looking away from my “friends” with a look of disgust. “None of the men I know.”
“Hmmmm,” l said Trixie thoughtfully. “But you find a lot of the qualities you want in the women you know. You could see yourself in a relationship with someone with those qualities except that you are an insatiable horny slut and you need sex like a fish needs water.”
“I … I wouldn’t put it exactly that way,” I said, trying to hold on to the demure and virtuous demeanor I’d worked so hard to create over the years. “But I guess, that’s pretty much it.”
“I see,” said Trixie. “So, you need to have an unimaginable amount of sex with guys so they can make you cum your brains out and only guys can do that.”
I looked down, feeling the shame run through me, turning my cheeks red. “Yes, I … you’re right, I need all the rest, but I need that too, and only a guy can do that for me.”
“But can they?” Trixie replied with a knowing smile. “Has a guy ever really made you cum? No. You’ve had sex with enough guys that if there was one out there that did it for you, the statistical probabilities are you would found him by now, but you haven’t. So why do you need to keep fucking this literal army of guys because you desperately need something, none of them have ever given you. How does that make any sense, Tiff?”
My world stopped for a moment; reality seemed to change from one moment to the next.
Oh my God, she’s right, that doesn’t make sense. I’d have more luck reaching for my vibrator.
“I … oh Trix, it doesn’t make any sense!” I said in a low hopeless moan. “But I need it so bad. Fuck, it’s been hours since I got myself off and I’m getting so horny!!! How am I going to find a man to get me off like this?”
“Well, you said that you find a lot of women emotionally fulfilling and you said you find all shapes and kinds of woman beautiful. You also said that you find it flattering when other women appreciate you,” said Trixie as my motor began to shift into a higher gear. “You said all that, so we both know it’s the absolute truth.”
I moaned slightly. “Yes, all of that’s true, but how is that going to help?”
“Well, how about this,” replied Trixie with a nod of her head. “You said that doing it alone, isn’t going to do it for you, and I believe that too, so we need someone to help you get off, someone that will understand you. Now hear me out. What if we found a woman, I mean a solid woman, not gay at all, who would be willing to you by rubbing your clitty until you cum. She wouldn’t be a lesbian, you wouldn’t be one, so it wouldn’t be gay, just someone ive and caring to get you through this crisis until we can find the right solution for you.”
By this time, I was having to squeeze my legs together to curb my desires. I had to bring myself off at least ten times a day, just like Trixie had said, which meant maybe two and half hours between sessions with my fingers and toys, but Mike and the rest had dragged me out here for the rest of the fucking day!!! What had I been thinking about?
I tried to think, but it was becoming increasingly difficult, the urges were just growing, and I had enough experience to know it wouldn’t be much longer before I’d need to rush to someplace more private and at least try to get off or just pull some random stranger into an alley or something to at least try and get some relief. It’s not like I hadn’t needed to do that before.
I’d really tried to be the faithful obedient wife that Mike had required me to be, a demure obedient, virtuous person, but sometimes the urges were too strong and a safe place too far away. Sometimes, I’d had no choice, I was too much of a horny slut to control myself for long. Not that it really ever worked right, Trixie had been right on point with that, just like she had everything else today.
God, I need something though!!!
“I … I guess I could try that, I mean, as long as it wasn’t gay,” I responded hesitantly.
“Good, so who to ask, someone upstanding, someone who will take you, some sweet young thing, maybe a goth girl, those can be fun. Oh, I know, how about a Cougar, that’s what you want isn’t it?” she replied eagerly.
That thought sent little pulses of pleasure through my aroused pussy, making me even wetter than normal. A mature woman who would understand me, care for me, make me cum!! God I wanted that so bad!!!
“Yesss,” I almost hissed as my hand traveled down to slowly rub myself through my jeans, just praying that no one would see me.
“Good,” said Trixie with a bright smile. “So, what do we have to work with.”